YOUR MOMA SO STUPID Your mom is so stupid, it takes her an HOUR to make MINUTE Rice. -Your mom is so stupid, she got locked up in a bathroom and pissed in her pants. -Your mom is so stupid, she tried to steal free samples. -Your mom is so stupid, she returned a doughnut because it had a hole in it. -Your mom is so stupid, she has no feet and complains her shoes are too tight. -Your mom is so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone. -Your mom is so stupid, she set the VCR for 2 hours to record 60 minutes. -Your mom is so stupid, she asked me "What does Yield mean?" and I said, "Slow down." And she said, slowly, "W H A T D O E S Y I E L D M E A N ?" Your mom is so fat, I rolled over twice and I was still on top of her. -Your mom is so fat, you need a Thomas Guide to find her asshole. -Your mom is so fat, when she falls out of bed she falls on both sides. -Your mom is so fat, when she wears a yellow coat she looks like a school bus. -Your mom is so fat, she has her own zip code. -Your mom is so fat, she plays hopscotch like this: California, Nevada, Arizona… -Your mom is so fat, when her beeper goes off people think she’s backing up. -Your mom is so fat, when she sits around the house, she literally sits around the house. -Your mom is so fat, when she goes to the beach, people yell out, "Whale Sighting!" -Your mom is so fat, we get a drought every time she takes a shower. -Your mom is so fat, she uses hula hoops to hold up her socks. -Your mom is so fat, every time she walks her butt claps. -Your mom is so fat, she’s on both sides of the family. -Your mom is so fat, she bungee jumps and goes straight to hell. -Your mom is so fat, she jumps up in the air and gets stuck. -Your mom is so fat, she uses the Freeway as a Slip ’n’ Slide. -Your mom is so fat, when she wears white, she looks like the Michelin man. FOR MORE YOUR MOMA JOKES GO TO http://www.armenianteens.com/jokes/your_momma.php BLOND JOKES 1. A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?" 2. There was a blonde that went to the hair salon with headphones. Before the barber started cutting her hair she told him "Make sure not to knock the headphones off my head". So the barber was sure not to. The next time, the blonde said the same thing "Do not knock the headphones off my head". The barber again, did what he was told. The third time she went, she told the barber again "Don't knock the headphones off my head", this time though, the barber accidentally knocked them off. As soon as the headphones fell off, the blonde dropped to the floor unconcious. The barber picked up the headphones and listened, and this is what it said "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...." 3. A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only). He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)." She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T." The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T." The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?" The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday." 4. Two blondes were building a house. one saw that the other was going into her pouch and throwing every other nail out. She thought that this was weird and decided to look into. "Why do you keep throwing every other nail away?" "Well, when i pull one out of my pouch, and it is facing towards the house, i nail it it. If it is facing away from the House, it is defective and i throw it away." "You idiot, those nails aren''t defective, they are for the other side of the house." COMPUTER JOKES What If Dr. Seuss was a Technical Writer? Here's an easy game to play. Here's an easy thing to say: If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! You can't say this? What a shame sir! We'll find you Another game sir. If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!- Bill Gates and Jim Cannavino from IBM are arguing about the future of 32-bit operating systems. They decide to throw a coin. Cannavino: "If the number is up, OS/2 will be the new standard, if it's head Windows95 will be the new standard." Gates: "Hey, you forgot Windows NT." Cannavino: "No, i didn't. If the coin falls on end, Windows NT will be the future."- Engineer Identification Test: ----------------------------- You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You... Straighten it. Ignore it. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar- powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron. The correct answer is "3" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing." SOCIAL SKILLS Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction: Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation Important social contacts A feeling of connectedness with other humans In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions: Get it over with as soon as possible Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects. FASCINATION WITH GADGETS To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys. FASHION AND APPEARANCE Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste. DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions: Bill Gates MacGyver Etcetera Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day. HONESTY Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below. "I won't change anything without asking you first." "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow." "I have to have new equipment to do my job." "I'm not jealous of your new computer." FRUGALITY Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?" POWERS OF CONCENTRATION If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it. RISK Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something. EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS Hindenberg Space Shuttle Challenger SPANet(tm) Hubble space telescope Apollo 13 Titanic Ford Pinto Corvair The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this: RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people. REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame. Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much." EGO Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers: How smart they are. How many cool devices they own. The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex -- and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop. TODAYS TOP JOKE Rules For A Man (100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing) Rules For A Man (100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing) 1 Don't call, ever. 2 If you like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself. 3 Lie. 4 Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike" 6 Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me? 8 Play with yourself. Talk about it. 9 Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do. 10 Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault. 11 Lie 12 Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths. 13 Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help- don't ask. People will think you have no penis. 14 Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them. 15 Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc. 16 If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality." 17 If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible. 18 TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. 19 Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine. 20 One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her. 21 Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1. 22 Say things like "Wha...?" 23 Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks. 24 Lie. 25 Deny everything. Everything. 26 Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me." (ripped off from George Castanza) 27 If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know. 28 Don't have a clue. 29 If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it. 30 No means yes. 31 Yes means no. 32 If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times. 33 If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise. 34 Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship. 35 Feelings? What feelings? 36 Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant." 37 Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass. 38 Lie I tell you!! 39 DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day." 40 Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so. 41 At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right. 42 Lie. 43 "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it. 44 A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it. 45 Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle. 46 Lie. 47 ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it. 48 If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't. 49 Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color. 50 Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you. 51 It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions. 52 Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc. 53 Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining. 54 Lie. 55 Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know. 56 Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know. 57 If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction. 58 You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity. 59 You are male, therefore you are superior. 60 Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out. 61 Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you. 62 Don't ever notice anything. 63 If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her. 64 Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality. 65 Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality. 66 Lie. 67 If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong. 68 Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway? 69 If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know." 70 Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away. 71 Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU. 72 If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault- not you. 73 Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic. 74 If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills. 75 Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others. 76 Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud. 77 Lie. 78 General Rule: Different is BAD. 79 If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life. 80 Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run. 81 If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?" 82 Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend. 83 Lie. 84 If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in. 85 When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then." 86 Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.) 87 If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship. 88 The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top. 89 Practice your blank stare. 90 Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass. 91 If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again. 92 If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things. 93 Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like, "No, Baby, I was BORN like this!" 94 Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies. 95 Beer. Then more beer. 96 Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people. 97 One word: FOOTBALL! 98 Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we??? 99 Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang". 100 LIE.