Spirit of Christmas (Jesus vs. Santa) Script - South Park - http://maxpages.com/southpark2k/Spirit_of_Christmas_2

The Spirit of Christmas

Cast:
Stan
Kyle
Cartman
Kenny
Brian Boitano
Jesus
Santa

[Music. Scene Snowy hill.]

Kids: We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas-Stan: What? wait a minute.
Kyle: What?
Stan: Aren't you Jewish, Kyle?
Kyle: Yeah, I think so.
Stan: Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas.
Kyle: What?
Stan: You're sposed to sing Hanukkah songs!
Kyle: "Dreidel dreidel dreidel, I made you out of clay, Dreidel dreidel dreidel--"
Stan: That's a stupid song.
Cartman: Yeah, Hanukkah sucks.
Kyle: Don't you oppress me, fat boy.
Cartman: Don't call me fat, buttfucker.
Kyle: Then don't belittle my people you fuckin' fatass!
Cartman: Goddammit don't call me fat you buttfuckin' son-of-a-bitch!

[Jesus floats down from the sky.]
Kyle: What the--
Kenny: (zips up hood)
Jesus: Behold my glory.
Stan: Holy shit, it's Jesus!
Cartman: What are you doing in South Park, Jesus?
Jesus: I come seeking...retribution.
Stan: *gasp* He's come to kill you cuz you're Jewish, Kyle!
Kyle: Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, Jesus. Don't kill me.
Jesus: Nay, fear not. I love All My Children.
Kyle: *whew*
Jesus: Tomorrow is my birthday. Yet all is not right.
Stan: Your birthday is on Christmas? That sucks, dude.
Jesus: I must find a place called "The Mall".
Kyle: Well we can take you to the mall, Jesus.
Stan: Yeah! It's over this way.
[Kyle and Kenny exit]
Cartman: *ugh* Goddammit, you stepped on my foot you pigfucker.
Stan: Dude, don't say pigfucker in front of Jesus.

[Stan exits]
Cartman: Eh, fuck you.

[Scene: Buildings. Music.]

Stan: Here we are Jesus, South Park Mall. Who are you looking for?
Jesus: Him!
Santa: Ho ho ho. We meet again, Jesus.
Jesus: You have blemished the meaning of Christmas for the last time, Kringle.
Santa: I bring happiness and love to children all over the world.
Jesus: Christmas is for celebrating my birth.
Santa: Christmas is for giving.
Jesus: I'm here to put an end to your blasphemy.
Santa: This time we finish it. [stands] There can be only one.
Stan: Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.

[Jesus and Santa fight]
Kids: Go Santa! [Jesus looks at them] Uh, go Jesus!

[Jesus and Santa fight more, Mortal Kombat style.]
Kyle: Oh my god! They killed Kenny!
Jesus: Boys, help me put an end to him once and for all.
Santa: No, boys, help me, so that I can put an end to him.
Jesus: God is watching you, boys. You know who to help.
Santa: Stan, remember the choo-choo when you were three?
Jesus: I died for your sins, boys. Don't forget that.
Stan: I don't know what to do, dude. Who should we help?
Cartman: I say we help Santa Claus.
Kyle: Eh, you're just saying that because he brings you candy.
Cartman: Hey! I don't need to take that kinda shit from a Jew.
Kyle: You're such a fat fuck, Cartman, that when you walk down the street people go god DAMMIT that kid's a BIG FAT FUCK.
Cartman: Oh yeah? Well listen up...
Santa: Buttfuckin...
Kyle: I'm not the buttfucker, you're the buttfucker...
Stan: Wait, wait, just a second. Now we've got to think here. Now let's see. What would Brian Boitano do?
Cartman: Yeah. What would Brian Boitano do?

[Music. Brian Boitano appears.]
Brian: Did someone say my name?
Cartman: Brian Boitano!
Kyle: What incredible irony!
Cartman: Yeah, it's Brian Boitano!
Brian: What's going on, kids?
Stan: Okay, Brian? Who would you help in a fight, Jesus or Santa Claus?
Brian: Kids...you shouldn't think of things like that. This is the one time of year when we all try to get along, no matter what we believe in. This is the season just to be good to each other. Bi-eee!

[Brian skates away.]
Jesus: You fuckin' pussy!
Santa: C'mere! Come on!
Stan: Hey, Jesus! You have to understand that Santa is keeping the spirit of your birthday alive by bringing happiness and joy.
Kyle: Yeah. And Santa, you need to remember that if it weren't for Jesus, this day wouldn't even exist!
Santa: You're right kids. I'm sorry Jesus.
Jesus: No, no. It's me who should be sorry. I've been a right bastard. I'm sorry Kringle.
Santa: Thank you boys.
Jesus: Yeah, thank you boys. Come on, Kringle, I'll buy you an Orange Smoothie.
Santa: oooo!
Stan: *whew* That sucked.
Kyle: Yeah, but just think. Today we actually met--we actually spoke--to _the_ Brian Boitano.
Stan: Yeah. And you know? I think I learned something today, it doesn't matter if you're Christian or Jewish or Atheist or Hindu. Christmas still is about one very important thing:
Cartman: Yeah, ham.
Stan: No not ham, you fat fuck!
Cartman: Fuck you!
Stan: Christmas is about something much more important.
Kyle: What?
Stan: Presents.
Kyle: Ah.
Stan: Don't you see, Kyle? Presents.
Kyle: Hey man, if you're Jewish you get presents for eight days.
Stan: Wow, really? Count me in.
Cartman: Yeah, I'll be a Jew too.
Kids: [leaving]
"Dreidel dreidel dreidel
I made you out of clay
Dreidel dreidel dreidel
With dreidel I will play!"

[Sign: "El Fin". Blackout.]

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