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| my poems, stories, etc! |
4/13/02
i suck at track this year..... damn
4/11/02
tonite really sucks. dont ask. oh yeah and..... i dont know
4/04/02
only on here to git the new song and poem for helen... i wrote another thing just for my away message tonite and jenn liked it so ill add it to the bottom while im here. well ive been up for 36 hrs yay me. stupid anj didnt git on i hate him too. and khanh is pissing me off. and damn chris to hell. and... guys suck
4/2/02
damn, it has been awhile. i hate him. well, not really. just what he is doing. last week he told me to run out in the middle of the road and git hit. sigh. biiiiig sigh. lol andrew "what wuz that for?" yah im with anj aint that weird? i figured out finally chris got to jealous so he decided to strike back. its very hard to convince rebby that he doesnt hate me though. oh well. i think he does. lalala. im so bored. a song... it rocks! im gonna add some stuff i wrote last night. later.
eh.. i hate him
1/17/02
wow i havent been on here for awhile. i guess life is life. maybe i will never truly be rid of my depression. i dont know. but i have chris so i guess thats all that matters. uck, every one is so obsessed with valentines day. i really hate it. anyhow...wrote a new poem maybe i should get it up here. ttyl love u chris soooo much u are my everything
12/1/01
hey! jeez...lookin back at these poems i wrote over a year ago...they suck lol! hmm...
im not depressed any more so now i feel like i cant write...but i can i just dont feel like trying at the moment. today was a good day! and now im actually gonna try and put most of my old peoms up here. ill update the poll too....dont forgit to vote, even if the poems are sucky! lol. ttyall later
YOU
You ignore me outright, i don't know why,
You're as hard to reach as the sky.
I watch your mood swings day by day,
and wonder when you'll change your ways.
My heart belongs only to you,
But you cast it away as in the ocean's blue.
I beg of you to hear my plea,
And maybe to just remember- I'm ME,
A person that i thought you loved,
I certainly think you're from above.
So please consider me right now,
Only to you belongs my loving vow.
And know that no matter what you do,
I love you.
WHY NOT
I picture you from afar,
In my dreams and in my heart.
Why do you torture me so,
All i wanna do is hold you; never let go.
But you hwho holds my heart in his hands,
You hurt me to show your friends you're a man.
But what about me? What about my heart?
Will we always be apart?
Or will you finally see me for me,
And change your entire view completely?
I know you like to be in control,
But once with you, it's hard to let go.
Maybe we weren't meant to be,
But my heart will always be yours, baby.
JUST FRIENDS
I feel rejected, I need a good cry,
For it seems that every boy i try,
Wants to be "just friends,"
Not that that's bad,
But stop and think what that phrase can do,
To someone who has eyes only for you.
Why crush their spirit, why crush their soul,
What a compliment to be their only goal!
Next time someone asks for your loving care,
Give them a chance, give them a share,
Of your spirit that runs so deep,
For in them your soul they will keep.
WHAT HAPPENED?
They tell me you're a jerk,
And i say they're wrong,
But the other side I've seen of you,
It seems to be gone.
What happened to the Dave i knew,
When flirting with me was all you'd do?
My love, where are you at?
You've given up, I can see that,
But why David, oh why,
Am i not worth catching your twinlking eye?
I'll do anything to have you back,
Any task i will attack,
With commitment in my heart and chest,
Cuz for you, only the best.
Tell me what to do Dave, and i'll gladly do it,
There will be nothing to it.
I love you and i can't let you go,
So give me a signal, let me know.
On the sparks of my heart your breath blows,
And I'll be your flame, now that you know.
LOVE SUCKS
What is this thing that we call love,
It seems to suck so much!
When it should be as pure as a dove,
Only my painful feelings it does touch.
Why oh why must I be tortured so,
And why the heck can't i let him go?!
He's such a jerk most of the time,
Yet here I am wanting him to be mine.
Love sucks my crazy mind does know,
But hey, sometimes it makes your soul glow,
With certain inner light,
If not for that I'd give up the fight.
So for now I will stick through the pain,
That pure light my righteous gain.
EVEN THOUGH
Even though i must say,
That we have grown apart,
You are all that i think of,
I hold you in my heart.
Maybe as i want you back,
You surely want me too.
But even if we're not meant to be,
I'll always think of you,
And in my mind I'll always say,
I really loved you too.
ALMIGHTY APPALOOSA STUD
Galloping abroad,the wind at your back,
Away at the ground your fine hooves hack,
Tail in the air, head held high,
Trumpet your clarion call to the sky.
Oh mighty Appaloosa stud,
Run and splash right through the mud,
To meet the one who answered your call,
For the mares, you will battle all,
For the right to be head of the herd,
Let your legs carry you like a bird,
Battle the stallion on his own land,
Win back the right for you to stand,
At the head of the band, out in front run,
Carry your spirit into the sun.
Never give up, run for the joy,
Across the plains, the ground your toy,
Run for the love of running indeed,
And you will remain the almighty steed.
MEMORIES
I hate this life that i lead,
Just as it gets better, something else knocks me down.
I long for the comfort of one to turn to,
But he no longer is there.
Men are such a mystery,
Making promises, giving false hopes.
I always wonder how they have two sides,
When we love one, none, or both.
But truly which side is honest,
Which is not a play on words?
Hate not the player but the game?
HA! Love is not something to hate,
But something to embrace.
Sure, I'm glad for it to have graced me,
But the torture of it is as they say-
Letting someone go is true love,
And what to this can i say?
Perhaps i shouldn't rip my heart apart,
With thoughts, memories, tastes of you.
But i did enjoy it so much,
And thought you would always be there.
So where are you now?
Must you be a fleeting memory,
A feeble touch on my mind?
I think i must go now,
The memories call...and i will answer,
But never again to you,
And oh there is nothing i can do.
a new poem i really like, but is kinda confusing:
PRESENCE
The presence of your heart,
Sends aflutter my very self.
The contendedness of you near,
Stills my skittering mind.
Your soul is all that i need,
Thine spirit my craving heart bestills.
The endlessness of your love,
Sets my heart to peace,
My heart replete with very you.
kinda mysterious, i think.
BULLET
I'm barely hanging on,
my focused strength, it's gone.
the weakness of my soul,
yes it is letting go.
collapse is taking place,
i can't recognize my own face.
my sense of self is lost,
i've yet to know the cost.
the pain is ripping me,
i have been betrayed.
my knees are getting weak,
my secrets you didn't keep.
trust's a broken bond,
the pieces scattered round.
all is letting free,
i'm letting go of me.
but her i do not know,
into what has my heart grown?
faith has leaped away,
i know my soul will pay.
but i don't give a fuck,
because my life has always sucked.
the deception i had of joy,
has been ruined by your ploy.
i thought that you would heal me,
yet you're only what i wanted you to be.
and as the scattered picture,
dances in my head,
the bullet's gonna rupture,
that fatal piece of lead.
into my heart it will tear,
widen the hole that's already there.
the hole that u have made,
the wound i helped create.
then finally i'll be free,
free of myself despite not knowing me.
VANILLA
The scent of vanilla drifting on the breeze,
A hint of something I never did see.
A glimpse I saw when but too late,
My heart will pay for my mistake.
Didn't pay attention to the "wouldn't wanna hurt ya's"
Silently spelling out my own doom.
He warned me in his own way,
Knew he'd destroy me some day soon.
One more riddle solved,
In the mystery of his verse,
His mind saw what he did not
It knew I'd travel the path of hurt
In a confused silence my soul waits
Berating myself for not seeing the signs
Duck out of the pain
Sorry I ever tried
I wanted to trust him,
I gave him my soul,
He took my heart with him,
Before letting me go.
I've lost yet another great brilliant love,
Can't hold onto trust in man,
Betrayal lies at everyone's heart
He slipped from me like sand.
Shoulda seen it coming,
Should have known to run.
The blinding love inside me,
Brought peril with the sun.
Stumbled upon true happiness,
Veil of depression gone.
Plucked from plunging darkness,
Set foot on solid ground.
I seem stuck in silence,
Searching for the lost,
Pieces scattered inside me,
Calculating the cost.
Zoning out as I
Meditate on him,
Pain brings me back now,
Different from the crippling within.
Flashing back I'm lost in him,
Attacked by memories I wish to forget.
Can't even condemn his sins against me,
But then, I can't forgive him yet.
Trying to find the words to convey,
The torture of my strained heart,
Running over every option,
To find how I deserved this dark.
One thing I know will set me free,
Yet I can't perform that task.
Choose the one who cares for me,
To bring relief at last.
I've identified the problem,
I've seen it once before.
Emotional pain inside me,
Myself craves more and more.
A battle rages within my being,
Not quite evil versus good,
But rather bondage versus freedom,
At this one fork in the road.
Logic says choose that one,
Leave the other far behind,
But trapped he is within me,
Heart, body, soul and mind.
A tiny part of me,
Knows that one's the right choice,
But addicted as I am to pain,
I can't choose him and rejoice.
Pain is the only constant,
In our dying world today.
Why abandon that one thing that's real,
So I won't weep another day?
What's the point of being happy,
I ask of you now,
Joy lasts not in reality,
Pain will make you bow.
You'll try hard to stand up to it,
Then it tosses on even more,
Once you see this truth,
Pain comes knocking at your door.
He'll be greatful you're enlightened,
Glad to rule another one,
He fights with joy and freedom,
Doesn't give up even when he's done.
Now all you ladies reading this,
Why is pain a he?
Well that's simply cuz guys suck,
A reality this may be.
My heart is being poured out,
Through verses penned on sheet.
But nothing can establish,
This agony of defeat.
It is time to give up now,
Time to let pain rule.
History will repeat itself,
If you ignore this you're a fool.
written for anj..ill add to it later
TIME SPENT
I wanted it to be perfect for you,
Let you know i'd spent hours there,
Just to see you smile at me,
Watch you twist the curls of my hair.
I wanted to see you in one glimpse
The twinkle in your eye that told me,
You'd roughed your hair the way I liked,
Stubbornly streaking through my territory.
SENSATION
I've got chills running up and down my spine,
From your hand lightly caressing mine,
Submerged in the memory I ignore what is real,
I no longer know what it is I feel.
FAILURE
It amazes me to view,
The enchantment of our race,
So obsessed in pain and sorrow,
Themselves they cannot face.
Simple things meant to be enjoyed,
Enshame us of our natures.
The snares and smarts we once depended on,
Now in our mind's eyes haunt us.
Humans as a species have failed,
To live up to what we are.
We hide behind lies and deceit,
Creating our own bars.
Those that vie for truth tonight,
May have traveled this path before me.
In the depths of my own heart,
I only seek to open the doorway.
BUT ONE FORM OF FREEDOM
I catch a glimpse of freedom,
Gazing through the glass,
The place I know that I can run,
Where I'll be free at last.
I leap upon a horse's back,
All set to race the wind.
The thunder of his hoofbeats,
Matches the punding withing.
My heart races with his strides,
Through woods and thickets he dashes,
The speckled white in his red coat,
Blends with the wild, yet flashes.
The sleek muscles I grip with my knees,
Ripple under my hold,
The power of this smooth machine,
Carries me through the cold.
With panting breath he strides on,
Eating ground beneath his hooves.
His flight parallels that of a bird,
Flitting beside up in the woods.
Rich dark loam is flung behind,
As his tendons click,
I see the current of water,
And then he has jumped a crick.
The bolt of stallion wasn't one of fright,
But rather of understanding.
Leaving the earth to fly with the wind,
Is true freedom, till the landing.
But that moment is yet to come,
As my mount gallops on,
And suddenly we top the hill,
And glory in the setting sun.
Atop the world i pull him to a halt,
TO stand and take in the surroundings.
No one else ruins my escape,
And the view I have's astounding.
I seem alone on this earth,
An equine my only witness,
The world turns about us,
And I revel in the distance.
Problems erased, my mind's a blank,
The dead song in my heart is gone,
The singing of the wind has replaced it,
With the onset of the dawn.
3/7/02
tomorrow is dave's birthday. the guy in all those crappy 1st poems. lol. im gittin along good with him.. we like each other but gotta wait for the right time and i think we both know that. wow... i need to post my poems. im working on a really long one dealing with chris. lalala. g2g do stuff now. enjoy peeps.
by the way, the inspiration that caused me to write all these depressing poems is long past, but now i have a new one! and i'm starting to move on. so hope u all can find get sumthing outta all this but if not sorries :( now here's the song i wrote:
ONE MORE
In every picture I look at,
I see not their face but yours.
In every song that I hear now,
I see a bright memory of us together,
And everytime you write to me,
Each word becomes dearer to my heart.
I long for us to be together,
one more time...
CHORUS:
One more kiss, one more touch, one more time
to hold your hand.
One more taste of the love we shared,
Is what I long for.
Every story i hear,
Reminds me of one I told you.
Every joke that I am told,
I remember how you made me laugh.
Every time I hold a loved one,
I long for it to be you,
one more time...
CHORUS
I read all the old love notes,
And wish you'd still write them.
I see a favorite thing of yours,
And long to witness your treasure it.
And all the while I'm watching for you,
I long to see your face
one more time...
CHORUS
another song!!!!!!! yay! written 4/1/02
this is not longer untitled! me and dylan decided on hypocrisy.. so hypocrisy it is! [may 18th]
HYPOCRISY
That bitch she cannot stand up,
To this kind of wrath.
Go and throw your hands up,
I'll strike again and laugh.
So small and helpless,
My prisoner still,
Love is such a binding force
To do with as I will.
CHORUS
Stand up
Put your hands up
(2X)
You bitch you cannot last!
In my fist I hold her heart,
Beating but not for long,
Exquisite torture to rip parts out,
And pretend to heal the wrong.
CHORUS
Resistance is futile,
She is my slave,
What an actor I am,
I still make her crave.
CHORUS
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