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Page 2
Getting Older
A Womans View
Beans
Bible Bloopers
Church Humor
More Church Humor
Even More Church Humor
Funny News Stories
Computer Glitches
Computer Dummy
Cop Killers
News Stories
Heaven and Hell
Say That Again
Famous Quotes
FBI
Stupid Criminals
Strange Laws
Little Known Tidbits
Legal Quotes
The Water Closet
Men and Women
Bumper Stickers
Chilli
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| Differences Between Men and Women |
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| MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. BATHROOMS: A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon, and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverley Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. GOING OUT: When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out. When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup... SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk. A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head... MOVIES: For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind." For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy." MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car. THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store." ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was General George Custer. OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail... A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. (Maybe). CAMERAS: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics, and often produce better-looking shots. LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there. WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party." CHEERLEADERS Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders are scary. TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of mens toys: miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots the serve cocktails on command, video games, and anything that blinks, beeps and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate. PLANTS: A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs. Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? A: Sexual harassment. Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? A: $3.99 a minute. Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead? A: The sex is the same but you get the remote. |
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