LAWER JOKES - Entertainment - http://maxpages.com/jokesrule/LAWER

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing
"Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over
them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying
scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their
wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St Peter met them.
They asked if they could still be married in Heaven.
"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay there and
I will be right back.'

Six months passed and finally Peter returned.
"Yes, we can do this for you."

The couple replied,
"Well as we have spent so much time together waiting for your
answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there
a possibility that we could be divorced if the marriage
doesn't work out?"

To this St Peter answered,
"It took me six months to find a priest up here... how long do
you think it will take me to find a lawyer!"

Circumstances

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were
serious enough to take the trucking company responsible
for the accident to court. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine,'" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened.
I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted,
"just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene
of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the
trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am
trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the
scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe
he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer
Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear
what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was
saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into
the trailer and was driving her down the highway when
this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into
one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I
could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she
was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after,
a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear
Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her.
After he looked at her then he took out his gun and
shot her between the eyes.

"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in
his hand and looked at me. He said,
'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.
How are you feeling?'"

What do you call 1000 peg-legged lawyers? A waste of good wood!

Q. What happens if you give a lawyer Viagra ?

A. He gets taller

Did you hear the US Supreme Court building was taken over by foreign terroists?

They are holding 30 lawyers hostage and they say if their demands are not met, they will start releasing one an hour!!

Q: What is the difference between a hooker and a lawyer??

A: The hooker will stop screwing you after your dead!!!!

An American businessman finds himself on a cross country train ride. His companions in the train cabin are a Russian businessman, a Cuban businessman, and an American lawyer.

They start to talk, and become fast friends. After about an hour or so, the Russian pulls out a bottle of expensive vodka, and pours everyone a drink. The others are amazed as to how good the vodka is. After pouring the drinks, the Russian takes a swig right from the bottle, opens the window and throws the bottle right out the side.

The American businessman says "Why the hell did you do that? That was an expensive bottle!"
The Russian replies, "Nyet, my friend, I have plenty more. There is lots of vodka in Russia! There is so much vodka that old women and children has plenty of vodka to drink. So since there is so much vodka, we have to throw it out the window to get rid of excess."

The American businessman thinks that's an interesting idea.

After a while later, the Cuban businessman reaches in his briefcase and pulls out a box of hand-rolled cigars. He passes the whole box out to his friends, takes one for himself, lights it, takes one puff and throws it out of the window.

The American businessman says "Why the hell did you do that? These are excellent cigars!"
The Cuban says "Si, mi amigo. In Havana we make many excellent cigars. But since we have no one to sell them to, we must keep them in Cuba. So everyone always has good cigars. We have so many that we must throw them out to get rid of the excess."

The American businessman thinks to himself, "Hmm...That's an interesting idea. Get rid of excess supply by...simply throwing it out the window! The Russian threw vodka out the window, the Cuban threw his cigar out the window...what can I throw out?"

He thinks for a second, stands up and throws the lawyer out the window.

What do you call a thousand lawyers at the bottom of an ocean? A good start!

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

The prostitute stops screwin' ya after your dead.

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of
manure?

The bucket.

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The vulture waits 'till your dead to rip your heart out.

A man goes to hell and is being lead by satan on a path to
meet his final doom. As he's going along he sees a veluptuous
woman talking to a lawyer. He says to the devil,"Why is he
talking with her?"

Satan says," Hey! It's her torment not yours, now get a
move on."

How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

Whats the difference between an attorny and a lawyer?

The name.

3 surgeons talk about what kind of people they like to do surgery on. The first guy says i like to do surgery on engineers...they understand if you have extra parts. The second guy says he like to cut up stupid people... they don't notice if you lose anything important.The third guy says the best people to do surgery on are lawyers... they're spineless, gutless and brainless so you CAN'T lose anything!!!!!!

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

One's a vicious bitch with razor sharp teeth and a bad attitude.
The other's a dog.

A pope goes to heaven and is given a room (just as big as a closet) very far away from gods quarters. The pope complaints because he noticed a lawyer has got much bigger room right across gods quarters. So god says to the pope: "We have got so many pope's, I don't know where to put them all, but there is only one lawyer"

What's the difference between a lawyer and a sack of
manure?

answer: the sack.

How was the copper wire invented?

Two lawyers fighting over a penny.

Why did the cannibal eat a cow patty?
Because he had just eaten a lawyer and wanted to get the bad taste out of his mouth.

A man walks into the lawyer's office and asks, "How much would it cost me to ask you three questions?"

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says "$100,000."

The man gasps and, taken a bit aback, says, "Don't you think that's a bit much for just three questions?"

The lawyer thinks again for a moment and says, "No I don't, what;s your third question."

Judge: So you say that a selfish neighbour of yours kissed you against your will?
Young Lady: Yes, your honour, he sure did.
Judge: But he is so much shorter than you. How could he reach up?
Young Lady: Well,I can bend down. Can't I?

Where do vampires go to learn how to suck blood?

Law school.

What do you call an attorney with the IQ of 50?

Your honor.

A lawyer was walking in Central Park. As he was walking he stepped in some dog shit. He took a couple of steps looked down at his foot and said "Oh no I'm melting".

there was a man and a woman that were about to get married when they got in a traffic accident and died. they both were sent to heaven and when they got there they asked one of the angels if they could still get married. so the angel went back to god and came back and said they had to wait five years. so five years was up and the angel came back and told them to wait another five years. and after that time was up, the angel came back and told them to wait ANOTHER five years. and so they did and finally, after waiting fifteen years, the priest came and they got married. after about 6 months of being married they wanted a divorce, so they found the same angel again and said they wanted a divorce and the angel told them that if it took god 15 years to find a priest in heaven, imagine how long it would take to find a lawyer.

Matt: At a tropical resort, a docter, a computer programer,
and a lawyer were swimming. A shark came and killed everybody
but the lawyer. Why didn't the shark kill him?

Bill: Tasted Bad?

Matt: No, professional courtesy.

What did the lawyer name his daughter?

Sue!!!

A lawyer and a doctor were walking in the middle of a forest. Suddenly they saw a hungry tiger barely 10 feet away. The lawyer calmly opened his knapsack and took out his jogging shoes. The doctor said " Hey you dumbass, Do you think you can outrun a hungry tiger?" The lawyer replied " I only have to outrun you"

There was a blonde at a gas station and she went over to the pop machine and put in a looney out came a pop, she stuck in another out came another pop after a while she had a big pile of pop there were these guys behind her and they've been watching her for a while they go over and say "excuse us miss, but do you know waht your doing ? and she says "shut up, im winning".!!!

Two Lawyers in the Woods

There were these two lawyers walking through the woods talking, when all of the sudden they come across a very hungry bear. So one of the lawyers opens up his briefcase takes off his shoes and puts on tennis shoes.
"You actually think you are going to outrun that bear?", says the other lawyer. "No", he says. "I only have to outrun you."

Two male lawyers have been stranded for quite some time on a deserted island. At one point, one of the lawyers tells the other he's going to climb the top of the tree (the only thing on the island) to see if he can possibly see a rescue team coming.
He's up there for only a short time when the lawyer down on the ground hears him say "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe it's true!" He climbs down from the tree and proceeds to tell his friend that he saw a naked blond woman floating face up headed towards the island. The other lawyer starts to laugh, thinking his friend has surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up floats a naked blond woman, face uo & unconscious.
The two lawyers go over to where she is and one says to the other, "Well, you know it's been a long time...do you think we could screw her?" The other lawyer responds, "Out of what?"

why dont sharks attack lawyers in the ocean?
professional courtesy.

Whats black and tan and looks good on a lawyer?
A rottwilder.

OK, There is this man, who always runs over lawyers with his car and one day, he picks up a priest who was hitch-hiking. So they were driving down the street and this lawyer was J-walking. The man sweerrvved to miss him and didn't know if he hit or not. Then he said to the priest,
"Wow Father, I almost hit that lawyer." and to that the priest responded,
"Oh, don't worry, I got him with the car door."

Whats the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawer on the road?

There are skid marks before the dog.

You are in alocked hotel room with Hitler and a lawyer . There are two bullets in your gun,What do you do?

Shoot the Lawyer twice.

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a catfish??
A: Ones a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.

Q: What happens when you give Viagra to a lawyer?

A: He gets taller.

What do you call a lawyer with a conscience?

Unemployed.

Q. What's the difference between lawyers and sharks?

A. You're safe from sharks as long as you stay on land.

A certain Latin American country had a huge debt with US and diplomats of both countries were holding a conference about it. The Latin American diplomats were toughly refusing all the US negotiator's proposals, so the US chief-negotiator warned:
"If you don't cooperate, we'll have to take an extreme measure"
The Latin Americans get upset. Their chief-negotiator asked, apprehensive:
"What do you intend to do?"
"Well, I am afraid your country will be invaded by our mariners."
A breath of relief came from the Latin American branch.
"Ugh! Thanks God"
"We'll send our mariners and you thank God! We don't understand.
"We were afraid you'd send your lawyers".

Q Why does New Jersey have all the hazardous and nuclear waste dumps and California have all the lawyers?

A New Jersey had first choice.

Jesus and Satan is fighting over who'd repair the gate between
Heaven and Heck, so Jesus finally uses his wisdom and says
why don't we just get us a lawyer and we'll settle this, then Satan
says where you going to get one.

What do you get when a lawyer is up to his neck in cement ?

More cement!

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating
guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the
lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person
presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked
toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on
eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But
you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a
reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist
that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused,
retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and
pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of
you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

If a Lawyer and a IRS Agent jump off the Empire State Building
who would hit the ground first?

WHO CARES!

What do you call 20,000 lawers at the bottom of the sea?

A good start.

What is the differance between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer
on the road?

In front of the skunk there are skid marks.

What's the difference between when a skunk gets hit by a car and when a lawyer gets hit by a car?

(There are skid marks in front of the skunk)

Why do lawyers wear neckties?

To keep their foreskins pulled back.

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard
talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?"
asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's
an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked
Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked
Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

A: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: How was copper wire invented?

A: Two attorneys fighting over a penny.

why don't snakes bite attorneys?
proffesional courtesy

What's the difference between a dead lawyer lying in the
road and a dead skunk lying in the middle of a road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk!

Sam Albahari
69 Jokes Road
Westport	Road	jokes
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Page Updated Fri May 14, 1999 8:20pm EDT