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| Chronicles Of Domestic Violence |
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Breaking the cycle of fear ... |
Get The Book Starting Over After Domestic Violence
This page reaches out to all battered women who still believe that their abusive partner will change and somehow right the wrongs he has done. For many years I believed that my ex-husband would change and I allowed myself to be trapped in an abusive relationship hoping that he would. That need to stay and allow them to come back is called the "battered wife
syndrome" and unfortunately is very common in abusive relationships.
The physical and emotional abuse is so intense that the battered wife has an inexplicable need to stay in the relationship and try to be perfect in every way. Today domestic violence is treated as a crime unfortunately most of the time when police officers are called the battered party fails to press charges allowing the batterer to go free and continue the pattern of abuse.
Even after I was divorced I remained trapped in the abusive relationship I wish I could change what happened but I can’t however I’ve learned that I can still take control of my life and emotions.
As I look back I remember saying "not me" I would never allow any Man to hurt me like that but domestic abuse is not stereotyped it doesn't have anything to do with your personality or upbringing it just happens and when it does it can be deadly. Nothing will ever bring back what I lost and although the emotional wounds have now closed the scars will always be there as a cruel reminder.
I consider myself truly blessed because I've survived that is why I' m reaching out to women who are now in an abusive relationship. No matter what they say it will never stop unless you put a stop to it.
This poem was e-mailed to me, I read it to my sister and we were both in tears because I remember feeling special every time he sent me flowers and treated me nice after a beating or incident of abuse.
This poem describes vividly the actions of an abuser, their sorry attempts of saying " I'm sorry I won't do it again."
FLOWERS
"I Got Flowers Today"
I got flowers today.
It wasn't my birthday
Or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night,
And he said a lot of cruel things
That really hurt me.
I know he is sorry and
Didn’t mean the things he said
Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary
Or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and
Started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn't believe it was real.
I woke up this morning
Sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry,
Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today,
And it wasn't Mother's Day or
Any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again.
And it was much worse
Than all the other times.
If I leave him, what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids?
What about money?
I'm afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry,
Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today.
Today was a very special day.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night, he finally killed me.
He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered enough
Courage and strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flowers today.
STOP DOMESTIC VIOLENCE TODAY!!! DO NOT TOLERATE IT!!! 
***Everyone please read this and send it on to as many women as possible.
***You never know who's going through it until it's too late.
These poems are copyrighted and have been published in different Poetry Anthologies by the International Society Of Poetry if you wish to use them kindly e-mail me for authorization.
"A careful inventory of all your past experiences
May disclose the startling fact that everything has happened for the best."
--- Law of Success
Who Am I?
To you my secret thanks for opening doors to ecstasy after heartache
I look in the mirror
What do I see?
A face, a shadow, is this
Really me?
Three faces
Clash and intertwine, so much alike
Water, vinegar, and wine
Which of these women am I really to be?
Who’s stronger?
Who’s really me?
The woman the world expects, cold and uncaring
Ambitious, courageous, and daring
The one I want to be
Gentle and kind looking for peace
Happiness to find
Or the woman that I am, mistakes to make
People to love, happiness to take
I am no longer in doubt
I know who I am
Who I want to be
Who I am today
That's the real me!
Mandy Ferreira
Copyright ©2000 Mandy Ferreira
Seed Of Deception
Regardless of what obstacles life might bring, I will always survive.
It all stood this love of mine
Doubt, heartache
Fear and time
I watched it grow
From a tiny seed
Nurtured it with tears, caring and need
I cannot say it's the best grain
This seed of deception
Broken promises and pain
This bad seed that could never survive
Traps my soul threatens my life
I prayed silently night and day
Set me free--just go away
Yet this obsession
Without direction or course
Inflicts pain
Without fear or remorse
Please stop--that's all I can say
You’ve hurt me enough day after day
Mandy Ferreira
Copyright ©2000 Mandy Ferreira
LIFE AFTER DEATH
My body is ice cold
I feel myself dying
Hear words of sorrow, muffled crying
Then I realize
It’s my body lying there
I no longer feel pain
As if I don’t care
So many tears wishes upon stars
Wounds beginning to heal
Leaving behind just scars
Ashes- a crepid scenario
It’s not dark but bright
Emotions triggering but a flicker of light
Here I stand besides this grave
No more pain just a moan
I stare at no name
At this gray tomb stone
I’m alive staring ahead at a path
Of hopes and dreams
There is life after death!
Mandy Ferreira
Copyright ©2000 Mandy Ferreira
Each year, an estimated 2 million to 4 million women in the United States are abused by their male partners. Many of them are severely physically assaulted, and thousands are killed. Others are intimidated, isolated, humiliated and controlled by their partners, usually in silence. Domestic violence isn't an easy crime to report because survivors often feel ashamed, helpless and dependent on the perpetrator. But there are many resources available to help people escape abusive situations permanently.
Domestic violence takes many forms. The most commonly reported form of domestic violence is physical assault, which includes punching, kicking, grabbing, slapping, choking, poking, pulling hair, twisting arms, biting, beating and using a weapon. Intimidation is another form of domestic violence, and it may include scaring the abused person with looks, actions, gestures, yelling, or smashing things. Abusers also may threaten to kill their partners, take away children or commit suicide.
Emotional abuse is also considered domestic violence. This involves putting people down by calling them names, making them feel like they are crazy, treating them like servants. Another element is isolation, in which abusers isolate their partner from people who are important to them. The abuser also may control all the finances and try to prevent the partner from getting or keeping a job.
Sexual abuse is also considered domestic violence. Abused people are often coerced into having sex with their partners.
Spiritual abuse is another form, in which abusers don’t allow partners to practice their religion.
FBI statistics indicate that each year about 1,400 women in the United States die as a result of domestic violence. Often the most dangerous time is when a woman tries to leave. That’s when she’s most at risk of being killed.
A number of factors often prevent people from admitting they are being abused and leaving the abusive partner. The biggest factor is often fear. A woman may have been beaten down and intimidated to the point where she feels as though no one is going to believe her, or no one will help her if she tells about the abuse.
A lot of women also get caught in what’s called the "cycle of violence." After a violent episode, the abuser will typically be very apologetic and loving, often showering his partner with gifts and promises that things will get better. And then he abuses her again. Typically, each time it happens the abuse becomes worse, and the cycle becomes shorter. But often the abuser is the woman’s main, or sole, source of love and affection, so she gets stuck in the cycle.
It may be particularly hard for people who have grown up in abusive situations and have been victims their whole lives, to recognize that the abuse isn’t normal. They may simply not know anything different.
There are no stereotypical factors that make a person likely to become abusive. People often blame domestic violence on substance abuse, but that’s a myth. Chemical dependency and domestic violence are two separate problems, and if you address only one of them, it’s not going to solve the other. Abusers come from all walks of life. They haven't necessarily been abused as children, they aren't from a certain socioeconomic group, and most don't have a major mental illness.
The dynamics of abusive relationships do have certain characteristics, however. The U.S. Department of Justice estimates that men against women commit 95 percent of reported assaults on spouses or ex-spouses. Abuse also can happen in same-sex relationships. In all cases, the abuser chooses to use a learned behavior to control his partner. Domestic violence is not about just losing your temper; it's about controlling someone.
http://health.aol.thriveonline.oxygen.com/health/dyngames/gen/health.domesticviolence.html
WHY DID I STAY?
No person who has not ever been through domestic violence in its many forms could never know completely why a person returns so many times. Too many times I hear " Well, it couldn't be that bad, you stayed with him so long!" Or "you have children, why did you let that happen?" I used to be one of those people who looked down on a person for allowing herself to be treated in such a way. I am only writing this for the people who have not gone through domestic violence, as the people who have do not need an explanation.
This is the number one question most people want to understand. The question, however, should be "Why does he batter?" The question why does she stay places the blame on the victim. The reality is that the majority of battered women make heroic efforts at leaving, but because of the following reasons, most are unsuccessful:
Fear: the number one reason for not leaving is fear. According to the FBI, up to 40% of female homicides in any given year occur when the woman decides to leave the abusive relationship. Her fears are not unfounded! Given this face, it is very important that the battered woman's expression of fear not be minimized. If a decision to leave has been made, a safety plan should be put in place.
Lack of Resources: since one of the major components of abuse is isolation, the battered woman most often lacks a support system. Her family ties and friendships have been destroyed leaving her psychologically and financially dependent on the abusive partner.
Lack of Finances/Economic Reality: the economic reality for women (particularly those with children" is a bleak one. This is especially true for women who have not worked outside the home. Economic dependence on the abuser is a very real reason for remaining in the relationship. Public assistance programs have been drastically reduced and those that remain provide inadequate benefits.
Children: Being a single parent is a strenuous experience under the best of circumstances, and for most battered women, conditions are far from the best. The enormous responsibility of raising children alone can be overwhelming. Often, the abuser may threaten to take the children away from her if she even attempts to leave.
Feelings of Guilt: the woman may believe that her husband is "sick" and/or needs her help; the idea of leaving can thus produce feelings of guilt.
Promises of Reform:  as is consistent with the cycle of violence, the abuser promises it will never happen again; the victim wants to believe this is true.
Sex-Role Conditioning: Most women are still taught to be passive and dependent on men. In addition, women generally accept the responsibility for success or failure in their relationships; to leave is to admit failure.
Religious Beliefs and Values: Religious beliefs reinforce the commitment to marriage. Many faiths hold that the husband is head of the family and it is a wife's duty to be submissive to him. This may be a powerful reason for staying in a destructive relationship.
Societal Acceptance /Reinforcement of Violence to Women/Wives: Many people turn a "deaf ear" to marital violence and believe what goes on behind closed doors is a "private matter." The observance of a burglary, child abuse, or even cruelty to animals in the neighborhood might quickly be reported; whereas, an assault on a wife or significant other may not.
Love for Spouse: Most people enter a relationship for love, and that emotion does not simply disappear easily or in the face of difficulty. After a battering, the abuser often is extremely penitent. Because her self-esteem is so low following the incident, the apologies and promises of reform are often perceived as the end of the abuse. (see cycle of violence)
BATTERED WOMAN'S SYNDROME
Battered Woman's Syndrome: Battered Woman's Syndrome has become a legal defense for battered women who have killed their abuser. The dynamics of domestic violence which contribute to Battered Woman's Syndrome include:
1. The traumatic effects of victimization
2. Learned helplessness
3. Self-destructive behaviors as a coping response to violence,
Such as drug/alcohol abuse, and minimization/denial
4. Repeated cycles of abuse
The battered woman, having been systematically abused by her partner, perceives that there is no way out of the relationship. She believes that if she says, he will eventually kill her and that if she leaves, he will find her and kill her. She feels trapped and helpless. Believing there are no options to escape the abuse, she may kill him.
Apathy - A good deal of confusion exists with certain types of abuse simply because they are difficult to define. They lead to uncertainty without some explanation and definition.
Kathy was becoming disillusioned about her marriage. She and Bob had only been married two years and already the friction between them seemed to be escalating. They were unable to resolve their differences to either's satisfaction.
And something worse was bothering Kathy. Bob had been displaying frequent outbursts since very early in their marriage. At first they were minor outbursts. Then as time went on, they got worse. He no longer just got red in his face. He threw things, broke their possessions, and even pushed her up against the wall once or twice.
Kathy used to be terrified of these outbursts of anger. She used to cry and "try to be better." She tried to do things just the way Bob liked in order to avoid the tantrums. She used to hide the bruises on her arms. She used to try to explain her fears to her mom. (Her mom thought Kathy had "provoked" Bob and wasn't at all sympathetic or supportive of her feelings and concerns.)
Now after two years of Bob's abuse, Kathy simply didn't care any more. She stopped sharing her concerns with anyone (why should she.... they would just blame her?) She never jumped when Bob exploded. She didn't care if he broke things or hurt her; she just wanted to "get it over with." She didn't care much about anything any more. Who cares? Nothing can be done about this situation. There were no options for her.
National Domestic Violence Fact Sheet and Statistics
INCIDENCE OF PARTNER ABUSE
Estimates range from 960,000 incidents of violence against a current or former spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend per year to 4 million women who are physically abused by their husbands or live-in partners per year. — Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, U.S. Department of Justice, March, 1998.
While women are less likely than men to be victims of violent crimes overall, women are 5 to 8 times more likely than men to be victimized by an intimate partner. — Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, U.S. Department of Justice, March 1998.
Violence by an intimate accounts for about 21% of violent crime experienced by women and about 2 % of the violence experienced by men. — Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, U.S. Department of Justice, March 1998.
In 92% of all domestic violence incidents, crimes are committed by men against women. — Violence Against Women, Bureau of Justice Statistics, U.S. Department of Justice, January 1994.
Of women who reported being raped and/or physically assaulted since the age of 18, three quarters (76 percent) were victimized by a current or former husband, cohabitating partner, date or boyfriend. — Prevalence Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against Women: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, U.S. Department of Justice, November 1998.
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