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| -About Me- The details of my life are quite inconsequential... Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchent for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood wa typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum...it's breathtaking- I suggest you try it. -Dr. Evil -Jokes- Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment." What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam". What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones. What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexics Association. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese. What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses. What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him. Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep. Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones. What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor? Can you make me One with everything? What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France? Linoleum blownapart. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned. Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank; proving once-and-for-all that you can't have your kayak & heat it, too. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!" Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication! A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, Also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides." A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazlenut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc." A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents." A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!" There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. -Earn Cash- Wanna make money for surfing the net? Then sign up for All Advantage. There's no gimmicks and it's easy. Just go to www.alladvantage.com and please put me as a reference. My ID# is GIE-434. Or you can just click here: http://www.alladvantage.com/home.asp?refid=gie434 and then click on join today. Thanks! -Please sign my guestbook- |
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